Humira VS Heart?  That is the question for today.

I am so exhausted.  I can't breath.  I have no desire to get up and do anything, not to shower, not to clean..not to eat....nothing. 

I did the dishes.  I ran the sweeper, and I couldn't breath through the entire process, just cry.

I hurt, yep, you guessed it, all over.  But, my joints hurts terribly.  My toes hurt, all the way up to my neck.  My eyes are burning, I am seeing double..that is when I can keep my eyes open.  It's a struggle.  I am so tired.  Tired of hurting.  Tired in general....just Tired.

I just want to go to bed.  The sun isn't out, otherwise I would say I want to go outside, get into my lawn chair, with a blanket, and sleep.  Just to be left alone, for hours, maybe .. longer. 

I can't stop crying.  What is wrong with me????

Is the Humira not working?  Is it the weather, this storm that we are supposed to be getting?  Did my walk of 2 hours through Walmart put me back .. days, months??  Is it the junk food I have been snacking on?  (hmmm, here comes the No Starch AS Diet I've been reading about??) Is walking Casper for 30 mins a day too much?  (really??!!)  WHAT??  What happened?

I've been sleeping better than I've slept my entire life, so that doesn't seem to be the problem.  I haven't done anything around the house, like lifting things, more cleaning ..ha ha ha...so no problem there.  (hint hint...clean that bedroom..my side)

Here goes the Guilt..more Guilt!  I have 4 weeks to go on a camping trip.  4 weeks to feel better, get into better shape, be ready to ride 8 straight hours, put up the camp site, and feel like doing something.  Of course, this is after NOT riding a motorcycle all winter, starting a new medication that is already making me sick after each shot, going down south where the temp is hotter and more humid....Nope, not setting myself up for failure here.  Well, I didn't think so, until after I just read this on paper.  See, that is why they always tell you to write things down...always looks a little different when you do.  :)   Makes you see things .. differently.  That's okay, I'm still going.  I have 4 weeks!

I want to STOP being sick.  I want to STOP being in PAIN.  I want people to stop looking at me differently.  I want to be NORMAL, whatever that is any more. 

I just said the other day, I want a job!  Yep, a real job. Hmm, now looking at all the options, WHO would hire me???

I miss my old Clients.  I miss the Men's Shelter.  I miss Prairie Center.  I miss my life.

Question 2:  Is this my heart?  Is this why I can't breath whenever I do something?  I'm due back to my Cardiologist in September.  I've been taking my blood pressure, and a few times at the Doctor and it does seem to be higher.  The Doctor's office say it's because I am nervous, but I am not nervous here.  They don't understand how important it is that my blood pressure stay very low, not even normal.  My pulse stay low. When I go and it's 110, and I have been sitting in the waiting room for 30 mins....Houston, we have a problem.  If I increase my pulse medication any more, I won't function.  Charles might as well put me in a chair, and go have a life of his own.

Which goes on to more Guilt.....how much Guilt can one person have inside their body, before they just explode?  What happened when they do explode??  Is there a Doctor for this too?  

Is there a Doctor that can remove this Pity Pot I am siting on?