Friday, April 20, 2012.

Today, I am so overwhelmed, I don't know where to begin.  I took my 4th Humira shot yesterday, and something happened within hours.  My vision started to change, I was seeing double, and everything was bright..so bright to the point of being painful.  My body was electrified...how is that for a word?  I can't think of a word better to describe what I was feeling.  Not static.  But, as if I had put my finger, just the tip, being a little wet, into the electrical outlet for a second.   I have felt like this for the last 24 hrs.  Not as intense today, but it's there.  Kind of in the background. My face almost feels numb, like a night of too much partying.   Hmmm, could you explain that one to your doctor.  Ha ha, of course, how else did he or she make it through med school and hours of residency? THEY know.

I had gone to the Orthopedic Doctor the day before, and they asked if I had been sick because of the temp I had.  VERY low.  He explained to me, since I was on Humira, I was to take my temp in the morning BEFORE my injection and if it was over normal, NOT to take the injection and call my Doctor.  I did take my temp and it was 97.9, so I took the injection.  Since then, I have taken it and it's been around 96.3, and 97.  I am wondering if it is broken.  I have been coughing, a lot, and a little out of breath.  I am praying my thermometer isn't broken, and I am a little sick!  Tomorrow, I plan on buying a new one to be sure!  The side effects of Humira are...frightening if you are sick! 

My pain level seems to be decreasing with each injection, which I am SO very grateful for, and then increasing when the next injection comes due.  Monday on the second week, the pain comes back, increasing each day until my shot is due on Thursday.  The pain in my SI joints are calming down, but the strange thing is I can feel more pain in my shoulders and other joints now, like my hands.  It seems like I can't use them as well any more.  I am wondering if it is because I am using them more now.  I do know, for once in my life maybe, I am getting more sleep.  Charles turned off the TV at around 11:30 p.m. last night because I couldn't stay awake, and I didn't get out of bed until 2:30 a.m.  : )   I woke up a few times before then, but I actually stayed in bed!!  From 2:30 a.m. on, I was awake on and off, but stayed there until we both got up at 8:00 a.m.   That was a first!  (hoping a first of many!)  I am thinking that the pain is decreasing in my sleep as well, which is allowing me to sleep...my opinion!

My stress level is through the roof.  Here comes the honest part.  Family!  I am still having problems with my daughter, which I am trying so very hard to distance myself when she  is so negative.  I am trying to tell her, that I will be a part of her life when she is positive, no other time.  Is it selfish on my part to only want to be part of her life on MY terms now because of all the things she has done to me?  Who makes the rules in these games?  You read all the books, and they all have different answers / rules...depending on the author.  Who made them experts?  I'm exhausted trying to do the "right" thing and not piss off everyone, and in the mean time, I have exhausted myself..and hurt ME.  Damned if you do...........Damned if your don't!

My son, we are trying to help him get his life together, which is fine since he is helping himself.  I enjoy that. He just graduated a program at our local college and I am so proud of him. He's been so scared to "move" anywhere in life, and he just completed this program, and I can see the difference in him when I look at him.  It's amazing how confident he is now...more so than any time in his life.  Now to the next chapter. : )

My father!  Here comes my big stressor in my life right now.   What do you do with your Father?  Him and my son had a big falling out, and honestly, I have nothing to do with it, but it brings up my entire childhood, and so I am right smack in the middle of it.  My son made a deal with my Father, and it fell through. We are helping my son MORE now.  We don't have the money to do it.  I don't have the 'health' to do it.  BUT, we both want to do it, and enjoy helping him and enjoy seeing him grow.  The problem is, I hear and see the pain that my Father is causing my son, and it reminds me of everything I went through growing up..some that I thought I had forgotten..and now remember.  I don't know what to do with it all. I don't know how to help my son with it, though he is far more outspoken that I ever was.  I guess since he was never close with my Father it is easier for him to say how he feels.  He was hurt, thinking that he would get another Father figure,and family,  and was basically told to get out of his life.  I've joked through the years that my Father doesn't LIKE me, and he got to witness that, up close, and sadly, and painfully, I got reminded of it again.  It's been a rough week, with more, and new stress.

  But, we have been able to help my son, which I am grateful for (Charles, thank you) and will be able to see him grow even more now.  I have wanted a "family" so badly in my life...who says it had to include your Father?  Maybe, it could be just Charles and I and the children that choose to come around??

So, when you have been sick for so long, and you have just watched the world go past you....how do you stop it, and jump back on?  With so many different areas in your life that have "just been"..where to do pick an opening to jump into?  Spouse, Children, Working, Home, Friends, Family, Health ...the world.....where do you start to learn again?   I listen  about Charles' clients that come out of prison, spending 10, 15 or 20 yrs behind those huge walls, never knowing what is going on in this world.  I feel like that.  The last 10 years, I have lived inside this house, only leaving to go see my Doctors or Meetings, or with Charles.  The world has changed...this town has changed.

Where do I fit in?  Where am I going to jump BACK in?