Let It ALL Out.

Do you ever just feel like telling people exactly how you feel?  Word for word?  No sugar coating it, just laying it out, no feelings spared. 

I don't know what is going on with me.  I feel like shit.  Look like shit.  I am due for my next shot in the morning, and I have to say, I am looking forward to it.  I am already exhausted, and so sore, that I can't imagine what it will do to me, but surely I can't feel worse that this.  (oh, oh...testing Fate?)

I went to the Dr. this week, and she was trying to explain how to control my blood sugars, and I honestly couldn't understand her math, and where she was getting her numbers from.  When I asked her, again, she friggin ROLLED HER EYES AT ME.  Is this where our professionalism is going?  They get pissed because we don't follow their rules...don't keep our blood sugars within normal range, and the biggest..."why don't you ask questions?"  Hmmmm, why are you fucking rolling your eyes at me when I do?"  OH, why didn't I say that when I was there?  Yes, I am going to start saying what comes to my mind, the second it does from now on!!  I walked out, not making a follow up appointment; I was too tired and upset.

Coming home, I got the mail. My OB-GYN had left the building!!  At least she only moved to a new building at a closer one to where I go to anywhere.  Not so bad.  It's not like I go to her anyway.  I dropped all my stuff and tried to understand what my Diabetic doctor was telling me, and the phone rang.  My counselor of many years...QUIT! Well, actually, I quit.  She went part time, evenings, so I would have to drive in the dark, on a different day, and I just said...good bye, but did tell her the next time she did this, it would be best not to do it over the phone, this is kind of traumatic ya know!   She set up a "good-bye" appointment, but I am already feeling like I am going to cancel it.   I hate good-byes.

So, the Humira.  I really think it is working, but for only a week.  My second week is horrible.  I feel drained, pain - everywhere.  Out of breath.  Almost like I have the flu.  I look forward to the next shot and want to do it early, but I know I can't.  I see my Doctor at the end of this month, and I really think we should discuss increasing the dose, if that is possible...or doing it every week and see if I feel better that way.  I haven't seen anyone else taking it once per week, so I am not sure what the side effects would be like.

Side effects...I have noticed my hair if falling out by hand fulls in the shower.  I am not sure if this is from the Humira, or Summer.  I am trying not to wash my hair so often, to see if that helps.  My eyelashes seem thinner. Maybe this is my imagination?  Could be, I was afraid this would happen, so I could just be looking for it too.  

I am very glad at this point that I am on Humira.  I haven't noticed anything horrible.  A little sick to my stomach but I also have Gastroparesis, so it's hard to tell which is which.  The fatigue is the worst of all I would say.  The pain.  The pain seems to calm down around the 4th day, or so.  I take my injection on Thursday.  Monday, I seem to feel better all over, even the fatigue isn't much to complain about. But, by the second week..on Monday...I am in so much pain again, and the fatigue is so overwhelming, I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to take a shower.  (gross, I know)  I stand up and my heart rate is way over 115 BPM, but my B/P is low around 90/50 so I am dizzy and sick to my stomach most of the time..and counting the days to inject again.

So, right now, I am pleased with the beginning of this road back to recovery.  Now, what do I do with it?  It's been a long time since I have locked myself up in this house.  I am not sure what to do with myself outside of it.  I have a friend that works at the rehab dept. here in town that wants to open up a case on me, to see what could be done.  She hasn't a clue what all is wrong with me.  Maybe I should tell her.  Maybe I should list all the things wrong...that could take awhile...I'll start that next time.